every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
