You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
