we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
