I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
