is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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