Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
