Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
