I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
