the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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