based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
