I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
