batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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