im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
