So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
