I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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