i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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