dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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