Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
