I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
