I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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