never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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