I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
