I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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