i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We talked him into tasing himself.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
