I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
