please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize