Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
