i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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