Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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