There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize