I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
