My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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