Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
