The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
COCAINE IS GR8
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
