You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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