I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
