why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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