i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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