it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
3 2 1 whiskey
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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