If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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