if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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