does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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