I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
