It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
