I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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