I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
