a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
