She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
