Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
