i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
