Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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