I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know, be my cock's hype man.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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