Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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