Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
