She even gives head with a lisp.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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