I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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