Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
