wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
