I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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